God watch

There are more protests over cartoons depicting the prophet - er what's his name? The protests are being held in Afghanistan, mind you. To that I say, 'dudes, you live in a country being torn apart by war. Isn't there something else worth raising your fist and yelling about?'

The Mormon church recently decided to throw its support behind a state law banning the sale of wine coolers in grocery stores. According to the AP: "I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these alcopops are
directed to our kids. It is a gateway drug," said Rep. Mike Noel, R-Kanab.

Restrictions on wine coolers were almost guaranteed after the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said last month that it supported doing so. Sixty percent of the state's residents are
Mormon, but 80 percent to 90 percent of lawmakers are.
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Music to torture terrorists by

Last week Mother Jones released a list of songs that are reportedly used as 'torture music' on terror suspects.

Says Mother Jones: "Music has been used in American military prisons and on bases to induce sleep deprivation, "prolong capture shock," disorient detainees during interrogations—and also drown out screams. Based on a leaked interrogation log, news reports, and the accounts of soldiers and detainees, here are some of the songs that guards and interrogators chose."

Topping the list is "F*ck your God" by Deicide. You can listen to a clip from the song on the Mother Jones website. What jihadist wouldn't crack after listening to this satanic, speed-core (complete with 'cookie monster' vocals) played at earsplitting levels 24 hours a day?

The list also includes the Barney song, the Meow mix jingle and curiously "Raspberry Beret" by Prince. Really?

Here are a few of my suggestions that didn't make the list:

Anything by Celine Dion (that bitch just annoys me)
the commercial jingle for Kay Jewelers
"Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham
The entire score of "Guys and Dolls"
"Proud to Be An American" by Lee Greenwood

Of course, there's more. But any of this stuff played 24 hours a day would cause me to either dig out my eardrums with a melon-baller, or confess to being a terrorist.

My theme song

I've often wondered that if I was a character in a movie, what my theme music would be? Well, I've found it in a song called "That Kind of Man," by a band called The Heavy.

What better musical accompaniment could a soul brother like me ask for? That driving beat and Curtis Mayfield-esque vocals bumping as the camera follows me as I cruise through downtown Minneapolis in my dope Ford Focus.

"duh-nah nah, duh duh nah nah, duh duh nah nah..."

I'm on my way for a big meeting with 'The Man.' Now I'm walking down an alley, wearing a full-length black leather trench coat, black beatle-boots and a turtle neck sweater.

"duh-nah nah, duh duh nah nah, duh duh nah nah..."

sweet...