Predictions for 2007

(oh fer cyute)

I'm going to rub the crystal ball for a second and take a stab at some prognostications for the big 07:

First a few easy ones

-some celebrities are going to get married and then divorced after a few months (paris hilton, the world is looking at you...)

-a bunch of people are going to die in Iraq

-Minnesota sports teams will fall below their potential and disappoint their fans.

-i'm going to turn 40 freakin' years old

A few more daring predictions:

-Rosie O'Donnell will get a bad case of ass cancer

-SNL's Rob Schneider makes a bigtime comeback by breaking into serious film by playing a gay jewish holocaust survivor.

-President Bush will get caught kicking his dog Barney on the White House lawn and the video footage will break hit-records on YouTube

-Jesus returns to earth and bitch-slaps Pat Robertson shouting, "you're fired, bee-yotch!" Then goes back to heaven but first tells everyone to carry-on as if he'd never been here.

-the U.S. Surgeon General will release a statement finally verifying what everybody really suspected all along, "Everything causes cancer. So eat whatever you want."

-The vatican will reveal that the anti-christ is walking the earth, and yes it is Anderson Cooper.

-A new serial killer will begin stalking, killing and eating celebrities. Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan will not be afraid. Not enough meat there, you know.